Dare #18 - Love seeks to understand

the Bible constantly talks about the importance of the pursuit of wisdom. i read through Proverbs in the spring, and i was honestly very convicted about my lack of a desire to seek after wisdom as much as Proverbs encourages us to do! it's something that i have tried to remind myself of often. if i seek after wisdom, He promises to give it to me. imagine the wisdom i could attain if i would just ask fervently.

Proverbs 2:6-8 "For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding: He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints."

Proverbs 3:13 "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding."

just as we are to seek after wisdom from God, we should seek to know our spouses. and i don't mean, his favorite color, his favorite book, or even his minor struggles. we should seek to really and truly know our spouses.

*Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams?
*Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?
*Do you know what your spouse's greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?

i'll be honest; when i read that list, i'm not sure i really know the full answers to all of those questions. and that's a shame. we are all different. and part of the reason we fight with the people we love is simply because we really don't understand them. we interpret their message differently then they are interpreting it, and then an argument occurs. i talk to my communication students about this all of the time. we could eliminate a lot of arguing by simply knowing our spouses better and more fully. i loved this section of the book, "there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together. It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate. 'Good understanding produces favor' Proverbs 13:15" (pg. 87, Love Dare). there is still more to learn about my husband! in fact, we should dedicate our lives to seeking and knowing our spouses. we will never know them fully and completely. there will always be new things we will observe. make it your life goal to get to know your spouse better every day.

ok, this takes work! you may be thinking, i don't have time to dedicate to knowing my spouse like that. i have way too much going on - kids, work, etc. well, yah - it does take work. love doesn't always just come as a cozy feeling. it takes real, raw work. and when the feelings fade, because there will be days they will, seek to know your spouse even more; pray for wisdom in knowing them. we may be surprised by how quickly the "feelings" may return.

Dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus the time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you have rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate."

Dare #17 - Love promotes intimacy

well hello! i am back. i've had a few people asking me if i am still blogging. yes, i am still doing the dare. life has taken on a much busier scene in the past month or so. i am directing 2 different shows right now, so i am just trying to get through September. life should slow down a tad in October. only a tad though, as i will be directing a musical at work. since life has picked back up, things are very different then they were last year when i was this busy. my husband and i are taking the time we need to spend together. we are trying not to be strangers passing in the night. it's a slow fade, and when you aren't getting time with your spouse, you inevitably will start to fade. i know. i have made a serious effort to keep all weekends open, so we have a "date night" at least once a week, and get some time with our friends as well, which is also important to us. i'm praying a lot more now too. specifically for my husband. the last dare i did about a month ago has really stuck with me. love intercedes. my relationship feels so much safer when i know it rests in the hands of my sovereign God. i love bringing my requests about my husband to Him and laying them at His feet - trusting that He is doing a work in my husband. trusting that He is shaping us both into the perfect creatures we will be when we see Christ finally someday. all of this to say, God's grace has been more than sufficient. i am so undeserving!

i'm ready to commit to moving forward. beginning with today's dare on intimacy. the book is not actually talking about sexual intimacy yet, but an emotional intimacy. the question comes up: does my husband feel safe with me? does he feel like he can tell me anything without hearing a lecture! our husbands should feel so comfortable around us that they feel they could tell us anything! i am a "fixer." i like to fix problems and move forward. i tend to try to correct the situation and make it right, when most of the time, i just need to listen to my husband. i know i need to do a better job with this.

"Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should only intensify your intimacy. Being 'naked' and 'not ashamed' (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage - physically and emotionally" (pg. 82).

i want to end this post praising the God who knows us better than our spouses know us. we are safe and should feel comfortable in His sovereign arms!

"You know when i sit down and when i rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it all." Psalm 139:2-4

Dare: "Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."

Dare #16 - Love intercedes

i wish i could just copy and paste the whole chapter from "The Love Dare" on this topic. SO convicting. i am always straight-forward and honest on this blog, and i have to admit, i am not the greatest at interceding before the throne of God for others. i am growing in this area, by God's grace, but could do infinitely better than i have been doing. i'm seeing so many changes in my husband and in our marriage, and so life starts to just drone on by. everything seems stable; we fight occasionally, but make up quickly. it makes it easy to forget to pray for him. but, when something big happens, when there is a crisis in our marriage, i then pray incessantly. however, i should be praying without ceasing every day, despite how good or bad my marriage is at the moment.

i truly think that Christians who neglect to pray without ceasing (and i am assuming there are many) are really and truly missing out on an incredibly satisfying life focused on serving God. i just finished reading the story of a man named Dietrich Bonhoeffer. he was a German theologian who strongly opposed Hitler's regime. he was executed for his role in an attempt to assassinate Hitler. Bonhoeffer had a unique relationship with God. he immersed himself in scripture and prayer, and you know what? he didn't "miss out" on anything by dedicating his life to serving God. he died at 39, which of course we consider young, but he firmly believed he led a complete and fulfilling life. he didn't want to live one more day than what God had designed for him.

you are probably thinking, "great, but what does this have to do with my marriage?" we are missing out in our marriages when we don't bring our spouse before the throne of God daily. we can live our lives in 100% commitment to Christ by reading his Word and meditating on it, and praying without ceasing. how would this alone transform our marriages?! i'm sure that some of you, like myself, have tried to change something about your husbands. does it ever work? :) we can't change them. but - GOD can. one thing i repeatedly am rebuked about, is letting God be the one to work in my spouse's life.

"Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse's hidden faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you. . . A wife will accomplish more through strategic prayer than from all her persuasive efforts. It is also a much more pleasant way to live. So turn your complaints into prayers and watch the Master work while you keep your hands clean. . . Beyond this, begin to pray for exactly what your mate needs. Pray for his heart. . . Pray for truth to replace lies. Pray that forgiveness would replace bitterness. Pray for a genuine breakthrough in your marriage. And then pray for your heart's desires - for love and honor to become the norm. Pray for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level"(Love Dare, pp.77-78).

I especially need God's grace to transform me into a wife who prays instead of nags. The awesome thing is, I can succeed in this because of the finished work of our beloved Christ on the cross. praise God!!! pray that He will change us all.

Dare: "Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage."

Dare #15 - Love is honorable

what do you picture when you think of the word "honor"? i think of royalty or people in high positions for some reason. "honor" seems like a sacred word. a word that is saved for people who deserve it. if we were in the presence of the President (no matter what your political views may be), we would probably show him respect and honor in the way we behaved around him. we would try to sit up straight, look him in the eye and be respectful in our tone and in the words we choose. 

what if i took what i "see" when i think of the word honor, and put it into practice in my marriage? would the way i treat my husband change? i think so. now, i'm not saying when your spouse gets home, you should have his throne ready and a basin of water for him to stick his feet into. although i'm sure he wouldn't complain about that. :) think of your marriage as "set apart" or "holy." "To say that your mate should be 'holy' to you doesn't mean that he or she is perfect. Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose - no longer common or everyday, but special and unique. A person who has become holy to you has a place no one can rival in your heart. He or she is sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised, and defended" (Love Dare, pg. 72).

what are ways we can apply this to our marriages? how can we honor our spouses and keep our relationships holy?

Dare: "Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

Dare #14 - Love Takes Delight

i love taking this journey while at the same time going through the study "How People Change" on wednesday nights at my church. we have been learning about God's work of sanctification in our hearts as believers. gotta say, i was never taught this stuff growing up at my church back home. i was never taught about God's ongoing work in our lives to conform us more into His image. so, it's kind of like i am a little kid Christian, just trying to soak it all in! one thing we learned last night was that "we CAN change." the sin that so easily captivates our hearts and minds CAN be weeded out through Christ's finished work on the cross. He has died for our sinfulness. it has been conquered! He wants to work us from the inside out to change us. my whole life up until college, i tried the outside-in approach, only to fail time and time and time again. . .

all of this to say, we can learn to love like Christ has called us to love. no matter what circumstances we may face, we CAN truly love our spouses. if you've been following this journey, you understand that i don't use the term "love" lightly! love is a very loaded word!

feelings. our culture thrives on feelings. we watch a movie, and we start to wonder why our love life isn't as passionate as the couple on the television screen. we hear a song, and we wonder why our spouse doesn't always tell us that we are beautiful just the way we are. :) or why our love-life isn't always a teenage dream. we read a book, and wonder why our relationships aren't as romantic. why our men aren't like rhett butler. dissatisfaction galore! and it's all based on how we feel while we read, listen or watch the feelings-crazed entertainment. i mean, even on facebook, everyone has everything together, right? your friends all have perfect little marriages and perfect little families. everyone is always smiling in their facebook profile pictures. guess what? life isn't like entertainment. it isn't like the movies. don't let dissatisfaction in your spouse thrive in your heart. "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." choose to love, even when your lover isn't being lovely. life is TOO SHORT for bickering and wishing your spouse is someone he will never, ever be!

"Instead, it's time to lead your heart to once again delight in your mate. Enjoy your spouse. Take her hand and seek her companionship. Desire his conversation. Remember why you fell in love with her personality. Accept this person--quirks and all--and welcome him or her back into your heart" (Love Dare, 67).

i read Song of Solomon a few months back, and very much loved it! the title of my blog comes from this beautiful book. it really is just beautiful. it opened my eyes to what taking true delight in my husband should look like. i'd really encourage you to read this poetic book.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love." Song of Solomon 2:3-4.

"Set me as a seal upon you heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Don't let your heart lead you. lead your heart.

Dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

Dare #13 - Love Fights Fair

this dare goes along nicely with dare #12. i will just say that i wrote dare #12 in the morning, and that evening, i was given a chance to fulfill that dare. i failed. i am continuously working on dare #12. this dare helps though. it talks about setting boundaries and rules for fighting. there will be conflict in marriage. that is inevitable. it just means we are human engaging in very human relationships. i've always said that the best friends we have are the ones we have had conflict with. when we work through issues with those we love, friends or spouses, we learn more about each other. we learn which friends are willing to work through conflict, and which friends leave the second they don't like something about you. you can't really know someone if your relationship is all roses and daisies on the surface - just my humble opinion. all of that to say, conflict with your spouse is normal. but, it's how we handle it that really shapes our relationships.

"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict" (Love Dare, 62). have you ever been on a date night, having a really great time, when all of the sudden, your night is ending in a major fight? sometimes, i wonder how in the world the whole night can turn in just a moment!! of course, the answer is simple. selfishness. pride. so, how can we have less of these pointless arguments? or how can we gracefully handle important arguments? the Love Dare talks about establishing "we" boundaries and "me" boundaries. you can create your own boundaries based on your personality, but here is an example from the book.

"We" Boundaries: discuss with your spouse
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. (this is usually hard for women.)
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry. (usually hard for men.)
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

"Me" Boundaries: determine in your heart to follow these.
1. I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger." James 1:19
2. I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matt. 7:3
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov. 15:1

Hope this helps us all to learn how to fight fair! Ultimately though, we need to remind ourselves of the Gospel daily, to help us learn these truths.

Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide y them when the next disagreement occurs."

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Romans 12:18

Dare #12 - Love lets the other win

you can ask anyone who knows me well. i enjoy debating. but i only enjoy debating topics i know a lot about. :) i really enjoy fighting for topics that mean a lot to me. this can definitely be a positive and a negative personality trait. sometimes, i get so focused on what i want, that i can practically twist my argument, even if i feel like i am losing, and win somehow. i give thanks to my dad, the lawyer, for this ability. :) please know, i am not bragging about this. it is actually something that i need to work on and get better at controlling. however, i am not saying that it isn't good to fight passionately for what you believe in. i am thankful to God for that aspect of my this personality trait. but, we must be careful, even with the good things in our lives, which is why when i saw the title of this dare, i thought "uh oh. . . " some of these dares are easy and fun, but this one will be nice and stretching for me. to begin, i want to re-post some Scripture from one of my earlier posts:

Phil. 2:1-11

"So, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, and participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing (yes, it says NOTHING) from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above EVERY name, so that at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!!!" 


i love, LOVE this passage, and here is why: the beginning of the passage talks about how we are to treat others. i underlined verse 4 because that is the focus of today's dare. BUT, the passage doesn't end there. it goes on to state, HOW and WHY we are to accomplish this selflessness. Paul says, "Look at what Christ has done for us!" i also love when verse 5 says, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." i am no theologian, but i believe Paul is saying if you have Christ in your heart, this ability to put others first is something you already own. because of Christ, we have the ability to put our spouses needs and wants before our own. whenever we start to do it on our own though, we will fail. 


some issues are just not worth it. i remember my parents telling me that was something they had to learn and wanted me to understand. i haven't forgotten that. i may have the spirit of a fighter/debater in me, but that doesn't give me the right to always win, or to continue arguments that are unimportant. 


"All it takes for your present arguments to continue is for both of you to stay entrenched and unbending. But the very moment one of you says, 'I'm willing to go your way on this one.' the argument will be over. And though the follow-through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage" (57, Love Dare).


James 3:17 says, "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield."


May GOD help us to become women who are peaceable, gentle, and willing to yield. i feel that those traits are so far from my personality at times, but i know i do have them in me because of the precious sacrifice of Christ.


Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

Dare #11 - Love cherishes

is there anything in your life that you cherish? do you really think you know what the word cherish even means? these are questions i ask myself as well. what does it mean to really cherish something? i have a dried rose petal in a small box that i keep in a drawer in the house. it is a rose petal from my grandfather's funeral at Arlington National Cemetery in 1996. that rose petal has made the move from IL to SC, then made another move last year when we moved to a different house. some things were broken in the multiple moves, some lost - but my rose petal is still in tact. i cherish that rose petal as if it were a part of me. that's exactly what Paul says in Ephesians 5:28 "Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies." i know that the verse is directed to husbands, but i think we can learn something from it too.

when we cherish something, we treat it as if it were a part of us! Paul also states ". . . for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it." i'm pretty good at cherishing myself unfortunately, but do i cherish my husband the same why i cherish myself? the Bible says, that when we get married, we become one flesh. i personally don't think we take that seriously. how often do we think, "maybe i shouldn't treat him that way since in reality, we are one flesh." and oh man, our current culture would really disagree with this. it's all about independence these days.

the book states, "When you show love to your spouse, you are showing love to yourself as well. . . When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself. Think about it. Your lives are now interwoven together. Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you are attacking your mate, it is like attacking your own body" (pg. 52).

determine to learn more about this word "cherish." determine to treat your spouse as if you were one flesh (which you are!). trust me, i know it won't be easy. but, we can do it with the Cross as our center!

"When you look at your mate, you're looking at a part of you. So treat her well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life" (53, Love Dare).

Dare: "What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile."

Dare #10 - Love is unconditional

"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8.  this is the foundation for us to build on in our quest to loving unconditionally. personally, i don't think i am capable of unconditional love without Jesus and the cross as my example. i think once we ever start to take our eyes off the cross, we start to shift them onto ourselves. the Gospel should be infused into the air we breathe, the songs we sing, the tasks we take on, and so on and so forth! we can go about these dares, and we can do them diligently. but, i don't think it means what it's supposed to mean without the Cross in the center. i follow Pastor Tullian, a pastor in Fort Lauderdale, FL on twitter, and he talks a lot about this. he states, "'Doing' will become instinctive and spontaneous only when our hearts become deeply gripped by what's been done!"

because Christ loves us so much that He would die for our sins, we must love others. "We love, because He first loved us." I John 4:19

i am so grateful that God doesn't force me to prove my love to Him. oh how i would fail miserably. in the same exact sense, we should never expect our spouse or loved ones to prove their love to us. yet, so often, that's exactly where the basis of our love lies. right now, it doesn't matter what your spouse has done to you. we've all been wronged, and yes i know some have been wronged at a greater degree than others, but we have to focus on loving, despite how we are treated. this is a hard one for me. i very much want to feel loved. i want my spouse to show me his love. but, my love cannot be based on how he treats me, whether it is good or bad. and who knows, maybe when we focus on ourselves, we will start to see more of what we want from our spouses, although that is not the ultimate goal. when you get tempted to base your love off what your spouse is or isn't doing for you, think of how we treat Christ after all He has done for us. sometimes we all need a little perspective.

remember, we cannot attain unconditional love by just "doing" it. the book states, "You will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you. Love that 'bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things' does not come from within. It can only come from God" (page 48).

Dare:  Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse--something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage."

Dare #9 - Love makes good impressions

first of all, i wanted to say that i have had a few people tell me they are trying some of the dares! excellent. i hope it is going well for you and that you are learning more about yourself and, of course, more about true, unconditional love (which will be discussed in dare #10). i know i am enjoying these dares immensely! i'm learning so very much about my own selfishness. it's still a daily battle, but i know that's what Jesus died for; my daily sinfulness. wow, that is so amazing. it is the picture of true selflessness.

this dare focuses on how we greet our spouses when they come home (or we come home). i know there have been times in my marriage that i have expected my husband to come sweeping in the doorway, proclaiming how much he has missed me. and when my fantasy doesn't come close to the truth, i can get a little perturbed. then, the poor guy who has just had a long day at work is wondering why on earth his wife is giving him the cold shoulder, when he hasn't even said or done anything to deserve it. this is the perfect recipe for a disastrous night!

instead of expecting my husband to greet me a certain way when he gets home, i am going to determine to make an effort to greet him with a smile. the book talks about how a greeting can really impact a person. "The Love Dare" states, "When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. Like love, it puts wind in your sails" (page 42).

if you are struggling with petty fighting during your precious nights at home with your spouse, try changing your greeting. who knows, it may be just what you both need!

Dare: "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."

"For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love." Philemon 7

5 Years

i just wanted to praise God for the most wonderful 5 years of my life. 5 years ago at this time (4:50), i had just said "i do." i have learned more about myself then i have ever wanted to learn, but it has been all for my good. God has been beyond gracious in giving us each other, and for bringing us through trials. i thank Him for every second that i have been through trials because it has only drawn nathan and i closer together. it has all been part of my conformity in Christ. God has nathan and i together for a very specific purpose, to glorify and honor Him together, and to make us more like Him.

thank you, Jesus for the gift of marriage! thank you for teaching us through each other more about Yourself. i stand amazed and undeserving.

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies- in order that in everything God may be glorified through Christ Jesus. To Him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."


I Peter 4:8-11

Dare #8 - Love is not jealous

so, i am really starting to enjoy these dares. in fact, i look forward to learning something else about love with each new dare! i have to admit, i have already done today's dare, and it was so easy! i am so proud of all that my husband accomplishes, and it is easy to enjoy his successes! i know that that is because of God working in our marriage and growing us in His grace and love.

i don't have much to say about today's dare; i have just a few thoughts. the book talks about 2 different types of jealousy. there is a righteous jealousy and then there is envy. Deuteronomy 4:24 states, "the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." He does not envy us (obviously there is NOTHING for him to envy about us!), but He desires our attention and our focus; our love and our commitment. James talks about envy leading to "fighting, quarreling, and every evil thing" (James 3:16, 4:1-2). guard your heart from the envious kind of jealousy. whether it is a friend, co-worker, or especially your spouse, keep your heart from envy which can lead to bitterness and not being content. let's be our spouse's number one supporter today!

"It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your mate's successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love" (Love Dare, 38).

now i'd like to shift focus for a moment on something that God has been teaching me. we are doing a study at my church (don't know if i mentioned this already) entitled "How People Change." it is an excellent study on the work of sanctification in our lives. every moment, we are becoming more and more like Christ. something the book emphasizes is community; having a circle of people you can lean on and count on to help you through life's trials. now, i have people in my life that i can pour out my heart to and know that they will listen and also be honest with me. i have my husband, my family, and a small circle of the bestest friends ever! but, i am also starting to open up my eyes to other hurting hearts. i want to be aware of those around me who need help. we need to be open with each other, girls! i just had a great talk with a friend the other day about things we were both struggling with in our marriages, and we were able to lift each other up and also know how to pray for each other. God uses people to make us more like Him! how amazing is that! He has given us a community of believers to strengthen us and us to them. . . when we neglect to take advantage of this community, we are missing out on SO much. trust me - i know. now that i have started to open up to people, they are open with me, and the blessings are abundant! so, OPEN UP! you don't have to suffer silently. we are ALL going through problems, and most likely all of your friend's marriages are struggling in some way. we don't have to pretend we have it all together. we don't.


the book, "How People Change" says, "Change is something God intends his people to experience together. It's a corporate goal. What God does in individuals is part of a larger story of redemption that involves all of God's people through the ages. You, Joe, and every other believer are already part of the story and part of the family. That is the context in which personal change takes place. Change within community is counter intuitive to the way we often think, but Scripture clearly presents it as God's way of making us more like Christ" (page 66).


so, take advantage of your church family. be there whenever you can to get to know your fellow brothers and sisters. you can't get to know them if you are only with them on Sunday mornings for a few hours! share your heart today with someone. love one another, and bear each other's burdens, so that we can help each other become more like Him!


Oh, and today's dare :)


"Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and reject and thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."


P.S. If you feel that anyone could benefit from this blog, please feel free to share it! 

Dare #7 - Love believes the best

guess what? we are not perfect. at least we say we believe that we aren't perfect. but, we sure do find it easy to find everyone else's imperfections. and you guessed it - the easiest person to tear apart can be our own spouses. when we make a mistake we say, "well, i'm not perfect! i'm never going to be!" when our spouse makes a mistake, it's more like, "why are you so insensitive? will you ever think about anyone besides yourself?" attack, attack, attack. well, you are right about one thing. your spouse isn't perfect, and he does have a lot of things he needs to work on, but so do we. YET, i know that there were a lot more good qualities about my husband that attracted me to him than bad ones. we forget so easily about those positive things sometimes, don't we?

"The Love Dare" states that there are two rooms in our hearts. the depreciation room and the appreciation room. in which room do we dwell? in the depreciation room, we absolutely tear our husbands to shreds. we sit in that room and camp out for hours. the book states, "Spending time in the depreciation room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed. The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by." This makes me so grateful that in our Savior's heart, there is no depreciation room. that just blows my mind. all of our imperfections have been covered by His blood! remind yourself of this incredible thought before you enter into the depreciation room in your heart.

Now, i understand that in some marriages, your spouse may very well have earned a trip into the depreciation room. a quote from "The Love Dare" discusses that:

"Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, love focuses on the positive."

This week, let's decide to camp out in the appreciation room. after all, that's how Christ thinks about at us!

"For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."

Dare #6 - Love is not irritable

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city." Proverbs 16:32

so, i just have a few thoughts on this subject, and then i thought i would write an update on how the dares are going. if any of you are doing any of them, i would love to hear how God is using them in your lives!

it is SO easy to get irritated when things don't go our way. the "Love Dare" states, "To be irritable means 'to be near the point of a knife.'" that's just a second away from being stabbed with a knife! i think one of my issues with irritability is that i can be overly sensitive at times. i attack my husband for something he says when he didn't mean it the way i took it. sometimes, it's better to just ignore the little things (which can be extremely hard sometimes - i know). i need to start asking myself, "is this worth getting irritated over?" most of the time, i have a feeling the answer will be NO. it is much easier to be calm and loving this summer than it was last semester. stress can play a major role in irritability. do whatever you can to lessen the stress in your life. the book states, "Life is a marathon, not a sprint." we need to be balanced and organized, and do the best we can to lessen the stresses of life. after all, this life is only but a dot in the line of eternity. a motto at my church is "Live for the line, not for the dot." another cause of irritability is just plain selfishness, which as i have come to realize is a daily, daily battle. Matthew 12:34 says, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." what are we filling our hearts with?

it really always goes back to love. i mean the kind of love we are learning about. 1 corinthians 13 kind of love. "Love will lead you to forgive instead of holding a grudge. To be grateful instead of greedy. To be content rather than rushing into more debt. . . In each decision, love ultimately lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build up inside" (Love Dare). And that venom can really build up, can't it? we can let something that irritates fester until it becomes a sore upon our hearts, and it pusses and bleeds whenever our mouths open. that's ugly, irritability.

something i have started to think about when i am irritated when my husband doesn't do something around the house that i want him to do: i think of picking up after him or cleaning for him as an act of service for him. if i'm irritated that he is walking around with shoes on in the house, i think "at least he is here to walk around with shoes on in the house. what would i do without the man who steps into those messy shoes?" :) when someone you love is almost taken away from you, it really changes the way you serve them.

Update: the dares are going well. i have fulfilled them all so far, slowly but surely. one thing however that i am working on (transparency moment) is to not idolize my husband or our marriage. ultimately, my satisfaction MUST come from Christ. the more i expect from my husband, the more he will actually let me down. if i am holding him to extreme standards, i am not viewing my marriage realistically. just in the last few days, i have started to work on this and there has already been drastic improvement in our relationship. i don't have to let EVERYTHING matter so much. we don't have to have the perfect relationship. we just need Christ. I just need Christ. He should be the one to fill any emptiness i may feel or experience. thanks be to God that we don't have to do it alone, huh? thanks be to God that He sent His Son to die for my sins. may we all take our sin seriously and continuously seek to rid our lives of its ugliness.

some lyrics to a song we sang at church on Sunday really gripped me:

"Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You!"


-All I Have Is Christ - Sovereign Grace


Let our boast be in Christ today and not in our relationships! 

DARE: "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

Dare #5 - Love is not rude

well, slowly but surely, i am chugging through these dares. i am hoping to start doing at least 2+ dares a week. so far, i have definitely been learning a lot about myself. i am learning that i never truly understood what it really meant to love, cherish and obey my husband. i thought i knew when we first got married. i thought i had it all under control, of course! then slowly, i started to think more about what my husband could do for me rather than what i could do for him and the slow, downward fade of increasing selfishness began in our marriage. however, if i didn't see myself for that selfish sinner that i am, i wouldn't have turned to Christ to help me learn how to truly love. my encouragement for you today is to really examine yourself. i have found that just when we start thinking we really do have it all together is when we start to neglect noticing the unconfessed sin in our lives. have the attitude of wanting to always improve. learning how to truly love your spouse, family, friends, enemies, etc. is a lifelong journey. we will never arrive - no. but through the Cross alone, growth can occur in each of our own personal journeys of sanctification!

this chapter started with Proverbs 27:14 "He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him." this made me smile, but even though i found amusement from it, i also realized how true it is! even from the moment i wake up, i need to be thoughtful instead of rude. The Love Dare states, "If she [a wife] desires to love him [a husband], she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort." again, we may be tempted to think, "i am not rude. i don't do rude things." but, this should be another moment of self-inspection. the book also states, "you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with." ouch. so maybe i'm the unpleasant one at times? most definitely. 

here are a few test questions from the book:

1. "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?"

2. "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem?" (I also want to add respect in this list. Does your husband sense that you respect him, especially in front of others? This is really crucial for men. . .)

3. "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing?"

now the book gives some guiding principles:

1.  "Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated."

2. "Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers."

3. "Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask."

so, if your husband has asked you a thousand times to do something, no matter how insignificant it may be, no matter how stupid of a deal he may make of it, do it. and do it because love is at its root selfless. 

Dare 5:

"Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 25:24

Dare #4 - Love is thoughtful

sorry for my absence. i don't know who actually reads this, but i thought i would apologize anyway. :) i just returned from a two week trip to europe with my husband. it was pretty much perfect timing and just what we needed to get our marriage a little more on track. it was nice not to have any outside elements interfering with our marriage. for example, no work, no play practice, no angry customers, etc. the only thing that interfered with our time together was our own selfishness. selfishness is still a daily battle for me, and i have a feeling that it always will be! but, when those moments that my selfish heart comes out as ugly as ever, i have to make a choice. will i indulge myself or will i look to the One who has died for my selfishness? i don't have to do it on my own. what an amazing thought that i never grasped until i entered grad school. i wasted so much of my life doing it on my own. but, that's a topic for another day. :)

so, back to the love dare which is the best way to conquer my selfishness! when we first start dating, thoughtfulness comes sooooo naturally. girls, i don't know if you have ever said to your husbands, "remember the letters you used to write me? remember the gifts you used to give me?" those letters were SAPPY, right? :) then, you get married and things changed. thoughtfulness is easier for women, i think. it's more natural for us. my biggest problem isn't the ACT of being thoughtful. that comes quite naturally for me. my problem is being thoughtful, expecting nothing in return. which leads us back to being selfless. my problem is reading through this dare on being thoughtful and continually thinking, "ooh, i wish my husband would read this too." selfishness rears its ugly head again! sigh.

do something thoughtful for your loved one today. that may be easy. so do it, expecting no response. you may not get a "oh, honey thanks so much for all you do. thanks for thinking of me! i want to be thoughtful like you are." :) actually, i'm almost certain you won't get that utopian response. but, think - how do we respond to Christ? aren't there days we treat Him even worse than we get treated? yet. YET. He still unconditionally loves us. what a thoughtless God we serve, expecting nothing in return. thank you, Jesus!

Dare #4 "Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them."

Dare #3 - Love is not selfish

"If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness" (Love Dare).

we say, practically daily, "I love you" to our spouses. yet, we struggle with selfishness at the same time we say it. i've started to think more and more about what love really looks like. i've been learning that love is kind, which means when i am kind, i should expect nothing in return. that's been a hard one by the way. when i have been doing things for my husband lately, i definitely am still expecting some kindness in return. and it is hard when i don't get it. what a minor example of what we do to Christ every day! when we sin, He hurts like we hurt when our spouse "wrongs" us. yet, He still loves us with an everlasting love! the least i can do is show love to my God by showing true love and honor to my husband.

now, we shift to selfishness. this chapter was a tough pill to swallow. when i really dig deep and look into my heart, i see all sorts of selfishness living in there. it's gross. i have such high expectations for how my husband should treat me, yet my expectations for how i should treat him are so low.

for example: those of you who know me know that this year has been really tough with work. i am barely home at night. this week, i have rehearsals every night until 10:30 or 11, and when i get home, my husband is asleep (which i understand). BUT, i get home from my long day and expect so much. the kitchen should be clean, he should have called me during the day, he should have done this and that! whoa - major selfishness. it comes soooo naturally too. i mean, c'mon! i'm working hard here; don't i deserve it? nope. i sure don't. 


"When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness. Love does not 'seek its own'" (love dare). GUILTY. 


"If you do even a good thing to deceitfully manipulate your husband or wife, you are still being selfish" (love dare). GUILTY.


so this means, we can't love and be selfish at the same time. we must choose to 100% love. do something for your spouse without any other motive. just love.

Just a self-check: "If you find it hard to sacrifice your own desires to benefit your spouse, then you may have a deeper problem with selfishness than you want to admit" (love dare).

remember, we cannot change without God's help. if you struggle with doing these things, it may be because you are just doing them in your own strength. look to the Gospel. look to the cross, and when you see His love there, it will make it that much easier to show that same love to your spouse, the person we should be loving the most on this earth. it won't ever be easy because we are filled with selfishness, but seeing His love for what it is and relying on His strength to help us is the only way to overcome that selfishness.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor." Romans 12:10

"Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not invested in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, 'I was thinking of you today.'"

Dare #2 - Love is Kind

kindness. that word reminds me of elementary school for some reason. it reminds me of when i would do something mean to my sister and my mom would say, "now becca, be ye kind one to another!" we teach children kindness as early as possible. why? because by nature we are so not kind! kindness doesn't come naturally - at least it doesn't for me. 

this past week has been so lovely in my marriage. we are discovering things we love about each other again, things are new and exciting again. that's what is expected after a renewal to commitment. however, it didn't take long for that "honeymoon" stage to turn into selfishness on my part again. those old thoughts of "if he would just take the time to do this for me, then. . . " or "why can't you get up and feed the dog?" etc, etc, etc. . . once again entered my mind. those thoughts come from my sinful heart. to be truly kind can only be accomplished through viewing my husband as God sees me. i continually doubt God, i continually sin, i continually neglect to fully grasp His love, yet He still loves me. and, He still views me as righteous in His sight! not because of anything i do at all! but because of what HE did! so reality check - if that's how much God loves me, i should be bending over backwards to show that love to my God-given spouse. the man God placed specifically in my life for my specific sanctification. Here's where i became really convicted:

"Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don't require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First."

-taken from "The Love Dare"

yikes. it's easy to be kind when my husband is being kind to me. but, that won't always be the case. true kindness isn't based off of what your spouse does for you, it's based off of what you can do (lovingly and willingly) for your spouse. and why? because Christ has done even more for me.

"In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness." If you try this, let us know how it goes! and a reminder - don't do these dares expecting anything in return. do them, with the help of Christ, as an act of service to your spouse, expecting nothing in return. we can't do that on our own. we can only accomplish this with the help of God. 

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." Proverbs 31:26

Transparency

so, i've gotten a lot of advice from those of you who have been reading this so far, and the consensus is that people can benefit from me sharing my story. i've been nervous because i didn't know if it was "wrong" to admit our problems or if i should keep them hidden. i think that's my old fundamentalist mindset leaking into my thinking. how can we learn from each other and grow with each other if we aren't transparent? why do we think we are the only people in the world struggling with sin?! just from the few people i have talked to about my situation, i have had people open up to me about their own struggles in marriage. guess what? you are not alone!

all of this to say, follow my blog, even if i don't know you. be transparent; even if i don't know you. we can help each other. do some of the "love dares" i will be posting, and let us know how it goes. again, we must see our faults as they really are. big, fat, ugly chunks of sin. having a God-centered marriage begins with us seeing our sin as God sees it, and confessing our sin as an act of worship. God delights in hearing us confess our sin! and then, we confess our sins to our spouses; ask for forgiveness.

as we are being transparent, i received some words of wisdom from a wise friend. :)

1.  make sure we are pointing our dialogue to Christ and not ourselves.

2. make sure we are not hurting anybody else involved. i don't want to say anything on here that would make my husband uncomfortable. i'm not here to write about his problems anyway, but about mine.

you don't have to stay stagnant. you don't have to wonder if this is really all there is to life. GOD has changed my marriage and he can change yours too. His love for you and me is overwhelming. oh how i don't deserve it.

Phil. 2:1-11

"So, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, and participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing (yes, it says NOTHING) from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above EVERY name, so that at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!!!" 


Wow.

Day 1: Love is Patient

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

well, let's not waste any time, huh? patience. that is a tough one for me! i like things the way i like them. i like to plan my life out 5 years in advance, and how dare anyone get in the way of my plans! i used to say to my husband (and keep in mind, i am letting you see me for the sinful soul i am), "just do things the way i want them, and then i won't nag you!" i was so wrong. patience, humbless, gentleness. . . we can only take on those attributes with the help of God, wives. only through His help.

so - today's dare (all dares are taken from the book, "The Love Dare" by Kendrick):

"Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. for the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say NOTHING negative to your spouse at all. if the temptation arises, choose to not to say anything. it's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

God's grace to us as we seek to accomplish this first task!

Suffering

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4.

these verses were my security. i had to trust what james said to be true. otherwise, i think i would have fallen apart. could it be that suffering should induce a sense of joy in me? really God? yes. in those moments of suffering, i heard "yes." could it be that by suffering, i will be perfect, complete and lacking nothing?? yes.

i looked into my husband's eyes, and i could see the flame dying. i knew he was searching, but i wasn't exactly sure for what. i don't think he was sure for what. i prayed desperately that God would mend our marriage back together, but i knew that that wasn't the ultimate goal! it hurt immensely to finally commit to that, but i did. "God, conform me into your image, whatever it takes." sounds like a risky prayer! but, i had to trust in His sovereignty - in His perfect plan for me. it really, really hurt as God molded me - pain i have never endured. but, He was beside me the entire time, and He showed Himself in ways i still marvel at!

i am withholding a lot of details, that in time, maybe i will share. but, i will tell you this. i am a different wife now because of this. i have a different husband now because of this. i saw him break under the steadfast, indescribable love of God. i saw my husband accept that love as if it was the first time, and now we are both learning how to love like God wants us to love each other. wow - it's not easy! have you ever really thought about the way God commands us to submit to our husbands?!?! how is that even possible? or the way a man is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church? but, that's not my job. my job is to work on me. so, that's what i'm doing. i'm going to start the 40 day love dare and i am wondering if you will join me. trust me, this will NOT be 40 consecutive days. but, it will be 40 dares. if you cannot join me, please join in praying for my marriage and the marriages of all us. God is working in our marriage in incredible, INCREDIBLE ways. i watched the Holy Spirit work in a mysterious and incredulous way. praise be to God for His gift in my marriage!

my next post will be the first dare. if no one joins me, it's fine. this is just helping me stay accountable. but, i do hope that through my journey, you will learn a little something about yourself too.

love like Jesus loves. and yes, that includes your spouse as well. and don't be too proud, lest ye fall. i was proud. but, i've been brought low. i see myself for what i am - a sinner, in need of a lot of grace.