Dare #3 - Love is not selfish

"If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness" (Love Dare).

we say, practically daily, "I love you" to our spouses. yet, we struggle with selfishness at the same time we say it. i've started to think more and more about what love really looks like. i've been learning that love is kind, which means when i am kind, i should expect nothing in return. that's been a hard one by the way. when i have been doing things for my husband lately, i definitely am still expecting some kindness in return. and it is hard when i don't get it. what a minor example of what we do to Christ every day! when we sin, He hurts like we hurt when our spouse "wrongs" us. yet, He still loves us with an everlasting love! the least i can do is show love to my God by showing true love and honor to my husband.

now, we shift to selfishness. this chapter was a tough pill to swallow. when i really dig deep and look into my heart, i see all sorts of selfishness living in there. it's gross. i have such high expectations for how my husband should treat me, yet my expectations for how i should treat him are so low.

for example: those of you who know me know that this year has been really tough with work. i am barely home at night. this week, i have rehearsals every night until 10:30 or 11, and when i get home, my husband is asleep (which i understand). BUT, i get home from my long day and expect so much. the kitchen should be clean, he should have called me during the day, he should have done this and that! whoa - major selfishness. it comes soooo naturally too. i mean, c'mon! i'm working hard here; don't i deserve it? nope. i sure don't. 


"When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness. Love does not 'seek its own'" (love dare). GUILTY. 


"If you do even a good thing to deceitfully manipulate your husband or wife, you are still being selfish" (love dare). GUILTY.


so this means, we can't love and be selfish at the same time. we must choose to 100% love. do something for your spouse without any other motive. just love.

Just a self-check: "If you find it hard to sacrifice your own desires to benefit your spouse, then you may have a deeper problem with selfishness than you want to admit" (love dare).

remember, we cannot change without God's help. if you struggle with doing these things, it may be because you are just doing them in your own strength. look to the Gospel. look to the cross, and when you see His love there, it will make it that much easier to show that same love to your spouse, the person we should be loving the most on this earth. it won't ever be easy because we are filled with selfishness, but seeing His love for what it is and relying on His strength to help us is the only way to overcome that selfishness.

"Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor." Romans 12:10

"Whatever you put your time, energy and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not invested in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, 'I was thinking of you today.'"

Dare #2 - Love is Kind

kindness. that word reminds me of elementary school for some reason. it reminds me of when i would do something mean to my sister and my mom would say, "now becca, be ye kind one to another!" we teach children kindness as early as possible. why? because by nature we are so not kind! kindness doesn't come naturally - at least it doesn't for me. 

this past week has been so lovely in my marriage. we are discovering things we love about each other again, things are new and exciting again. that's what is expected after a renewal to commitment. however, it didn't take long for that "honeymoon" stage to turn into selfishness on my part again. those old thoughts of "if he would just take the time to do this for me, then. . . " or "why can't you get up and feed the dog?" etc, etc, etc. . . once again entered my mind. those thoughts come from my sinful heart. to be truly kind can only be accomplished through viewing my husband as God sees me. i continually doubt God, i continually sin, i continually neglect to fully grasp His love, yet He still loves me. and, He still views me as righteous in His sight! not because of anything i do at all! but because of what HE did! so reality check - if that's how much God loves me, i should be bending over backwards to show that love to my God-given spouse. the man God placed specifically in my life for my specific sanctification. Here's where i became really convicted:

"Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don't require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First."

-taken from "The Love Dare"

yikes. it's easy to be kind when my husband is being kind to me. but, that won't always be the case. true kindness isn't based off of what your spouse does for you, it's based off of what you can do (lovingly and willingly) for your spouse. and why? because Christ has done even more for me.

"In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness." If you try this, let us know how it goes! and a reminder - don't do these dares expecting anything in return. do them, with the help of Christ, as an act of service to your spouse, expecting nothing in return. we can't do that on our own. we can only accomplish this with the help of God. 

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

"She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue." Proverbs 31:26

Transparency

so, i've gotten a lot of advice from those of you who have been reading this so far, and the consensus is that people can benefit from me sharing my story. i've been nervous because i didn't know if it was "wrong" to admit our problems or if i should keep them hidden. i think that's my old fundamentalist mindset leaking into my thinking. how can we learn from each other and grow with each other if we aren't transparent? why do we think we are the only people in the world struggling with sin?! just from the few people i have talked to about my situation, i have had people open up to me about their own struggles in marriage. guess what? you are not alone!

all of this to say, follow my blog, even if i don't know you. be transparent; even if i don't know you. we can help each other. do some of the "love dares" i will be posting, and let us know how it goes. again, we must see our faults as they really are. big, fat, ugly chunks of sin. having a God-centered marriage begins with us seeing our sin as God sees it, and confessing our sin as an act of worship. God delights in hearing us confess our sin! and then, we confess our sins to our spouses; ask for forgiveness.

as we are being transparent, i received some words of wisdom from a wise friend. :)

1.  make sure we are pointing our dialogue to Christ and not ourselves.

2. make sure we are not hurting anybody else involved. i don't want to say anything on here that would make my husband uncomfortable. i'm not here to write about his problems anyway, but about mine.

you don't have to stay stagnant. you don't have to wonder if this is really all there is to life. GOD has changed my marriage and he can change yours too. His love for you and me is overwhelming. oh how i don't deserve it.

Phil. 2:1-11

"So, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, and participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing (yes, it says NOTHING) from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above EVERY name, so that at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!!!" 


Wow.

Day 1: Love is Patient

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2

well, let's not waste any time, huh? patience. that is a tough one for me! i like things the way i like them. i like to plan my life out 5 years in advance, and how dare anyone get in the way of my plans! i used to say to my husband (and keep in mind, i am letting you see me for the sinful soul i am), "just do things the way i want them, and then i won't nag you!" i was so wrong. patience, humbless, gentleness. . . we can only take on those attributes with the help of God, wives. only through His help.

so - today's dare (all dares are taken from the book, "The Love Dare" by Kendrick):

"Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. for the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say NOTHING negative to your spouse at all. if the temptation arises, choose to not to say anything. it's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

God's grace to us as we seek to accomplish this first task!

Suffering

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4.

these verses were my security. i had to trust what james said to be true. otherwise, i think i would have fallen apart. could it be that suffering should induce a sense of joy in me? really God? yes. in those moments of suffering, i heard "yes." could it be that by suffering, i will be perfect, complete and lacking nothing?? yes.

i looked into my husband's eyes, and i could see the flame dying. i knew he was searching, but i wasn't exactly sure for what. i don't think he was sure for what. i prayed desperately that God would mend our marriage back together, but i knew that that wasn't the ultimate goal! it hurt immensely to finally commit to that, but i did. "God, conform me into your image, whatever it takes." sounds like a risky prayer! but, i had to trust in His sovereignty - in His perfect plan for me. it really, really hurt as God molded me - pain i have never endured. but, He was beside me the entire time, and He showed Himself in ways i still marvel at!

i am withholding a lot of details, that in time, maybe i will share. but, i will tell you this. i am a different wife now because of this. i have a different husband now because of this. i saw him break under the steadfast, indescribable love of God. i saw my husband accept that love as if it was the first time, and now we are both learning how to love like God wants us to love each other. wow - it's not easy! have you ever really thought about the way God commands us to submit to our husbands?!?! how is that even possible? or the way a man is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church? but, that's not my job. my job is to work on me. so, that's what i'm doing. i'm going to start the 40 day love dare and i am wondering if you will join me. trust me, this will NOT be 40 consecutive days. but, it will be 40 dares. if you cannot join me, please join in praying for my marriage and the marriages of all us. God is working in our marriage in incredible, INCREDIBLE ways. i watched the Holy Spirit work in a mysterious and incredulous way. praise be to God for His gift in my marriage!

my next post will be the first dare. if no one joins me, it's fine. this is just helping me stay accountable. but, i do hope that through my journey, you will learn a little something about yourself too.

love like Jesus loves. and yes, that includes your spouse as well. and don't be too proud, lest ye fall. i was proud. but, i've been brought low. i see myself for what i am - a sinner, in need of a lot of grace.