Dare #18 - Love seeks to understand

the Bible constantly talks about the importance of the pursuit of wisdom. i read through Proverbs in the spring, and i was honestly very convicted about my lack of a desire to seek after wisdom as much as Proverbs encourages us to do! it's something that i have tried to remind myself of often. if i seek after wisdom, He promises to give it to me. imagine the wisdom i could attain if i would just ask fervently.

Proverbs 2:6-8 "For the Lord gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding: He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints."

Proverbs 3:13 "How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding."

just as we are to seek after wisdom from God, we should seek to know our spouses. and i don't mean, his favorite color, his favorite book, or even his minor struggles. we should seek to really and truly know our spouses.

*Do you know his or her greatest hopes and dreams?
*Do you fully understand how they prefer to give and receive love?
*Do you know what your spouse's greatest fears are and why they struggle with them?

i'll be honest; when i read that list, i'm not sure i really know the full answers to all of those questions. and that's a shame. we are all different. and part of the reason we fight with the people we love is simply because we really don't understand them. we interpret their message differently then they are interpreting it, and then an argument occurs. i talk to my communication students about this all of the time. we could eliminate a lot of arguing by simply knowing our spouses better and more fully. i loved this section of the book, "there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together. It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate. 'Good understanding produces favor' Proverbs 13:15" (pg. 87, Love Dare). there is still more to learn about my husband! in fact, we should dedicate our lives to seeking and knowing our spouses. we will never know them fully and completely. there will always be new things we will observe. make it your life goal to get to know your spouse better every day.

ok, this takes work! you may be thinking, i don't have time to dedicate to knowing my spouse like that. i have way too much going on - kids, work, etc. well, yah - it does take work. love doesn't always just come as a cozy feeling. it takes real, raw work. and when the feelings fade, because there will be days they will, seek to know your spouse even more; pray for wisdom in knowing them. we may be surprised by how quickly the "feelings" may return.

Dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus the time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you have rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate."

Dare #17 - Love promotes intimacy

well hello! i am back. i've had a few people asking me if i am still blogging. yes, i am still doing the dare. life has taken on a much busier scene in the past month or so. i am directing 2 different shows right now, so i am just trying to get through September. life should slow down a tad in October. only a tad though, as i will be directing a musical at work. since life has picked back up, things are very different then they were last year when i was this busy. my husband and i are taking the time we need to spend together. we are trying not to be strangers passing in the night. it's a slow fade, and when you aren't getting time with your spouse, you inevitably will start to fade. i know. i have made a serious effort to keep all weekends open, so we have a "date night" at least once a week, and get some time with our friends as well, which is also important to us. i'm praying a lot more now too. specifically for my husband. the last dare i did about a month ago has really stuck with me. love intercedes. my relationship feels so much safer when i know it rests in the hands of my sovereign God. i love bringing my requests about my husband to Him and laying them at His feet - trusting that He is doing a work in my husband. trusting that He is shaping us both into the perfect creatures we will be when we see Christ finally someday. all of this to say, God's grace has been more than sufficient. i am so undeserving!

i'm ready to commit to moving forward. beginning with today's dare on intimacy. the book is not actually talking about sexual intimacy yet, but an emotional intimacy. the question comes up: does my husband feel safe with me? does he feel like he can tell me anything without hearing a lecture! our husbands should feel so comfortable around us that they feel they could tell us anything! i am a "fixer." i like to fix problems and move forward. i tend to try to correct the situation and make it right, when most of the time, i just need to listen to my husband. i know i need to do a better job with this.

"Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should only intensify your intimacy. Being 'naked' and 'not ashamed' (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage - physically and emotionally" (pg. 82).

i want to end this post praising the God who knows us better than our spouses know us. we are safe and should feel comfortable in His sovereign arms!

"You know when i sit down and when i rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O Lord, You know it all." Psalm 139:2-4

Dare: "Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."

Dare #16 - Love intercedes

i wish i could just copy and paste the whole chapter from "The Love Dare" on this topic. SO convicting. i am always straight-forward and honest on this blog, and i have to admit, i am not the greatest at interceding before the throne of God for others. i am growing in this area, by God's grace, but could do infinitely better than i have been doing. i'm seeing so many changes in my husband and in our marriage, and so life starts to just drone on by. everything seems stable; we fight occasionally, but make up quickly. it makes it easy to forget to pray for him. but, when something big happens, when there is a crisis in our marriage, i then pray incessantly. however, i should be praying without ceasing every day, despite how good or bad my marriage is at the moment.

i truly think that Christians who neglect to pray without ceasing (and i am assuming there are many) are really and truly missing out on an incredibly satisfying life focused on serving God. i just finished reading the story of a man named Dietrich Bonhoeffer. he was a German theologian who strongly opposed Hitler's regime. he was executed for his role in an attempt to assassinate Hitler. Bonhoeffer had a unique relationship with God. he immersed himself in scripture and prayer, and you know what? he didn't "miss out" on anything by dedicating his life to serving God. he died at 39, which of course we consider young, but he firmly believed he led a complete and fulfilling life. he didn't want to live one more day than what God had designed for him.

you are probably thinking, "great, but what does this have to do with my marriage?" we are missing out in our marriages when we don't bring our spouse before the throne of God daily. we can live our lives in 100% commitment to Christ by reading his Word and meditating on it, and praying without ceasing. how would this alone transform our marriages?! i'm sure that some of you, like myself, have tried to change something about your husbands. does it ever work? :) we can't change them. but - GOD can. one thing i repeatedly am rebuked about, is letting God be the one to work in my spouse's life.

"Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse's hidden faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you. . . A wife will accomplish more through strategic prayer than from all her persuasive efforts. It is also a much more pleasant way to live. So turn your complaints into prayers and watch the Master work while you keep your hands clean. . . Beyond this, begin to pray for exactly what your mate needs. Pray for his heart. . . Pray for truth to replace lies. Pray that forgiveness would replace bitterness. Pray for a genuine breakthrough in your marriage. And then pray for your heart's desires - for love and honor to become the norm. Pray for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level"(Love Dare, pp.77-78).

I especially need God's grace to transform me into a wife who prays instead of nags. The awesome thing is, I can succeed in this because of the finished work of our beloved Christ on the cross. praise God!!! pray that He will change us all.

Dare: "Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage."

Dare #15 - Love is honorable

what do you picture when you think of the word "honor"? i think of royalty or people in high positions for some reason. "honor" seems like a sacred word. a word that is saved for people who deserve it. if we were in the presence of the President (no matter what your political views may be), we would probably show him respect and honor in the way we behaved around him. we would try to sit up straight, look him in the eye and be respectful in our tone and in the words we choose. 

what if i took what i "see" when i think of the word honor, and put it into practice in my marriage? would the way i treat my husband change? i think so. now, i'm not saying when your spouse gets home, you should have his throne ready and a basin of water for him to stick his feet into. although i'm sure he wouldn't complain about that. :) think of your marriage as "set apart" or "holy." "To say that your mate should be 'holy' to you doesn't mean that he or she is perfect. Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose - no longer common or everyday, but special and unique. A person who has become holy to you has a place no one can rival in your heart. He or she is sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised, and defended" (Love Dare, pg. 72).

what are ways we can apply this to our marriages? how can we honor our spouses and keep our relationships holy?

Dare: "Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

Dare #14 - Love Takes Delight

i love taking this journey while at the same time going through the study "How People Change" on wednesday nights at my church. we have been learning about God's work of sanctification in our hearts as believers. gotta say, i was never taught this stuff growing up at my church back home. i was never taught about God's ongoing work in our lives to conform us more into His image. so, it's kind of like i am a little kid Christian, just trying to soak it all in! one thing we learned last night was that "we CAN change." the sin that so easily captivates our hearts and minds CAN be weeded out through Christ's finished work on the cross. He has died for our sinfulness. it has been conquered! He wants to work us from the inside out to change us. my whole life up until college, i tried the outside-in approach, only to fail time and time and time again. . .

all of this to say, we can learn to love like Christ has called us to love. no matter what circumstances we may face, we CAN truly love our spouses. if you've been following this journey, you understand that i don't use the term "love" lightly! love is a very loaded word!

feelings. our culture thrives on feelings. we watch a movie, and we start to wonder why our love life isn't as passionate as the couple on the television screen. we hear a song, and we wonder why our spouse doesn't always tell us that we are beautiful just the way we are. :) or why our love-life isn't always a teenage dream. we read a book, and wonder why our relationships aren't as romantic. why our men aren't like rhett butler. dissatisfaction galore! and it's all based on how we feel while we read, listen or watch the feelings-crazed entertainment. i mean, even on facebook, everyone has everything together, right? your friends all have perfect little marriages and perfect little families. everyone is always smiling in their facebook profile pictures. guess what? life isn't like entertainment. it isn't like the movies. don't let dissatisfaction in your spouse thrive in your heart. "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." choose to love, even when your lover isn't being lovely. life is TOO SHORT for bickering and wishing your spouse is someone he will never, ever be!

"Instead, it's time to lead your heart to once again delight in your mate. Enjoy your spouse. Take her hand and seek her companionship. Desire his conversation. Remember why you fell in love with her personality. Accept this person--quirks and all--and welcome him or her back into your heart" (Love Dare, 67).

i read Song of Solomon a few months back, and very much loved it! the title of my blog comes from this beautiful book. it really is just beautiful. it opened my eyes to what taking true delight in my husband should look like. i'd really encourage you to read this poetic book.

"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love." Song of Solomon 2:3-4.

"Set me as a seal upon you heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Don't let your heart lead you. lead your heart.

Dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

Dare #13 - Love Fights Fair

this dare goes along nicely with dare #12. i will just say that i wrote dare #12 in the morning, and that evening, i was given a chance to fulfill that dare. i failed. i am continuously working on dare #12. this dare helps though. it talks about setting boundaries and rules for fighting. there will be conflict in marriage. that is inevitable. it just means we are human engaging in very human relationships. i've always said that the best friends we have are the ones we have had conflict with. when we work through issues with those we love, friends or spouses, we learn more about each other. we learn which friends are willing to work through conflict, and which friends leave the second they don't like something about you. you can't really know someone if your relationship is all roses and daisies on the surface - just my humble opinion. all of that to say, conflict with your spouse is normal. but, it's how we handle it that really shapes our relationships.

"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict" (Love Dare, 62). have you ever been on a date night, having a really great time, when all of the sudden, your night is ending in a major fight? sometimes, i wonder how in the world the whole night can turn in just a moment!! of course, the answer is simple. selfishness. pride. so, how can we have less of these pointless arguments? or how can we gracefully handle important arguments? the Love Dare talks about establishing "we" boundaries and "me" boundaries. you can create your own boundaries based on your personality, but here is an example from the book.

"We" Boundaries: discuss with your spouse
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. (this is usually hard for women.)
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry. (usually hard for men.)
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

"Me" Boundaries: determine in your heart to follow these.
1. I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger." James 1:19
2. I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matt. 7:3
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov. 15:1

Hope this helps us all to learn how to fight fair! Ultimately though, we need to remind ourselves of the Gospel daily, to help us learn these truths.

Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide y them when the next disagreement occurs."

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Romans 12:18

Dare #12 - Love lets the other win

you can ask anyone who knows me well. i enjoy debating. but i only enjoy debating topics i know a lot about. :) i really enjoy fighting for topics that mean a lot to me. this can definitely be a positive and a negative personality trait. sometimes, i get so focused on what i want, that i can practically twist my argument, even if i feel like i am losing, and win somehow. i give thanks to my dad, the lawyer, for this ability. :) please know, i am not bragging about this. it is actually something that i need to work on and get better at controlling. however, i am not saying that it isn't good to fight passionately for what you believe in. i am thankful to God for that aspect of my this personality trait. but, we must be careful, even with the good things in our lives, which is why when i saw the title of this dare, i thought "uh oh. . . " some of these dares are easy and fun, but this one will be nice and stretching for me. to begin, i want to re-post some Scripture from one of my earlier posts:

Phil. 2:1-11

"So, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, and participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing (yes, it says NOTHING) from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above EVERY name, so that at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!!!" 


i love, LOVE this passage, and here is why: the beginning of the passage talks about how we are to treat others. i underlined verse 4 because that is the focus of today's dare. BUT, the passage doesn't end there. it goes on to state, HOW and WHY we are to accomplish this selflessness. Paul says, "Look at what Christ has done for us!" i also love when verse 5 says, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." i am no theologian, but i believe Paul is saying if you have Christ in your heart, this ability to put others first is something you already own. because of Christ, we have the ability to put our spouses needs and wants before our own. whenever we start to do it on our own though, we will fail. 


some issues are just not worth it. i remember my parents telling me that was something they had to learn and wanted me to understand. i haven't forgotten that. i may have the spirit of a fighter/debater in me, but that doesn't give me the right to always win, or to continue arguments that are unimportant. 


"All it takes for your present arguments to continue is for both of you to stay entrenched and unbending. But the very moment one of you says, 'I'm willing to go your way on this one.' the argument will be over. And though the follow-through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage" (57, Love Dare).


James 3:17 says, "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield."


May GOD help us to become women who are peaceable, gentle, and willing to yield. i feel that those traits are so far from my personality at times, but i know i do have them in me because of the precious sacrifice of Christ.


Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."