i love taking this journey while at the same time going through the study "How People Change" on wednesday nights at my church. we have been learning about God's work of sanctification in our hearts as believers. gotta say, i was never taught this stuff growing up at my church back home. i was never taught about God's ongoing work in our lives to conform us more into His image. so, it's kind of like i am a little kid Christian, just trying to soak it all in! one thing we learned last night was that "we CAN change." the sin that so easily captivates our hearts and minds CAN be weeded out through Christ's finished work on the cross. He has died for our sinfulness. it has been conquered! He wants to work us from the inside out to change us. my whole life up until college, i tried the outside-in approach, only to fail time and time and time again. . .
all of this to say, we can learn to love like Christ has called us to love. no matter what circumstances we may face, we CAN truly love our spouses. if you've been following this journey, you understand that i don't use the term "love" lightly! love is a very loaded word!
feelings. our culture thrives on feelings. we watch a movie, and we start to wonder why our love life isn't as passionate as the couple on the television screen. we hear a song, and we wonder why our spouse doesn't always tell us that we are beautiful just the way we are. :) or why our love-life isn't always a teenage dream. we read a book, and wonder why our relationships aren't as romantic. why our men aren't like rhett butler. dissatisfaction galore! and it's all based on how we feel while we read, listen or watch the feelings-crazed entertainment. i mean, even on facebook, everyone has everything together, right? your friends all have perfect little marriages and perfect little families. everyone is always smiling in their facebook profile pictures. guess what? life isn't like entertainment. it isn't like the movies. don't let dissatisfaction in your spouse thrive in your heart. "Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." choose to love, even when your lover isn't being lovely. life is TOO SHORT for bickering and wishing your spouse is someone he will never, ever be!
"Instead, it's time to lead your heart to once again delight in your mate. Enjoy your spouse. Take her hand and seek her companionship. Desire his conversation. Remember why you fell in love with her personality. Accept this person--quirks and all--and welcome him or her back into your heart" (Love Dare, 67).
i read Song of Solomon a few months back, and very much loved it! the title of my blog comes from this beautiful book. it really is just beautiful. it opened my eyes to what taking true delight in my husband should look like. i'd really encourage you to read this poetic book.
"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. He has brought me to his banquet hall, and his banner over me is love." Song of Solomon 2:3-4.
"Set me as a seal upon you heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it." Song of Solomon 8:6-7
Don't let your heart lead you. lead your heart.
Dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Dare #13 - Love Fights Fair
this dare goes along nicely with dare #12. i will just say that i wrote dare #12 in the morning, and that evening, i was given a chance to fulfill that dare. i failed. i am continuously working on dare #12. this dare helps though. it talks about setting boundaries and rules for fighting. there will be conflict in marriage. that is inevitable. it just means we are human engaging in very human relationships. i've always said that the best friends we have are the ones we have had conflict with. when we work through issues with those we love, friends or spouses, we learn more about each other. we learn which friends are willing to work through conflict, and which friends leave the second they don't like something about you. you can't really know someone if your relationship is all roses and daisies on the surface - just my humble opinion. all of that to say, conflict with your spouse is normal. but, it's how we handle it that really shapes our relationships.
"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict" (Love Dare, 62). have you ever been on a date night, having a really great time, when all of the sudden, your night is ending in a major fight? sometimes, i wonder how in the world the whole night can turn in just a moment!! of course, the answer is simple. selfishness. pride. so, how can we have less of these pointless arguments? or how can we gracefully handle important arguments? the Love Dare talks about establishing "we" boundaries and "me" boundaries. you can create your own boundaries based on your personality, but here is an example from the book.
"We" Boundaries: discuss with your spouse
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. (this is usually hard for women.)
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry. (usually hard for men.)
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.
"Me" Boundaries: determine in your heart to follow these.
1. I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger." James 1:19
2. I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matt. 7:3
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov. 15:1
Hope this helps us all to learn how to fight fair! Ultimately though, we need to remind ourselves of the Gospel daily, to help us learn these truths.
Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide y them when the next disagreement occurs."
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Romans 12:18
"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict" (Love Dare, 62). have you ever been on a date night, having a really great time, when all of the sudden, your night is ending in a major fight? sometimes, i wonder how in the world the whole night can turn in just a moment!! of course, the answer is simple. selfishness. pride. so, how can we have less of these pointless arguments? or how can we gracefully handle important arguments? the Love Dare talks about establishing "we" boundaries and "me" boundaries. you can create your own boundaries based on your personality, but here is an example from the book.
"We" Boundaries: discuss with your spouse
1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past. (this is usually hard for women.)
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a "time out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry. (usually hard for men.)
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.
"Me" Boundaries: determine in your heart to follow these.
1. I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger." James 1:19
2. I will deal with my own issues up front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" Matt. 7:3
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Prov. 15:1
Hope this helps us all to learn how to fight fair! Ultimately though, we need to remind ourselves of the Gospel daily, to help us learn these truths.
Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to 'fight' by. Resolve to abide y them when the next disagreement occurs."
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." Romans 12:18
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Dare #12 - Love lets the other win
you can ask anyone who knows me well. i enjoy debating. but i only enjoy debating topics i know a lot about. :) i really enjoy fighting for topics that mean a lot to me. this can definitely be a positive and a negative personality trait. sometimes, i get so focused on what i want, that i can practically twist my argument, even if i feel like i am losing, and win somehow. i give thanks to my dad, the lawyer, for this ability. :) please know, i am not bragging about this. it is actually something that i need to work on and get better at controlling. however, i am not saying that it isn't good to fight passionately for what you believe in. i am thankful to God for that aspect of my this personality trait. but, we must be careful, even with the good things in our lives, which is why when i saw the title of this dare, i thought "uh oh. . . " some of these dares are easy and fun, but this one will be nice and stretching for me. to begin, i want to re-post some Scripture from one of my earlier posts:
Phil. 2:1-11
"So, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, and participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing (yes, it says NOTHING) from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above EVERY name, so that at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!!!"
i love, LOVE this passage, and here is why: the beginning of the passage talks about how we are to treat others. i underlined verse 4 because that is the focus of today's dare. BUT, the passage doesn't end there. it goes on to state, HOW and WHY we are to accomplish this selflessness. Paul says, "Look at what Christ has done for us!" i also love when verse 5 says, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." i am no theologian, but i believe Paul is saying if you have Christ in your heart, this ability to put others first is something you already own. because of Christ, we have the ability to put our spouses needs and wants before our own. whenever we start to do it on our own though, we will fail.
some issues are just not worth it. i remember my parents telling me that was something they had to learn and wanted me to understand. i haven't forgotten that. i may have the spirit of a fighter/debater in me, but that doesn't give me the right to always win, or to continue arguments that are unimportant.
"All it takes for your present arguments to continue is for both of you to stay entrenched and unbending. But the very moment one of you says, 'I'm willing to go your way on this one.' the argument will be over. And though the follow-through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage" (57, Love Dare).
James 3:17 says, "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield."
May GOD help us to become women who are peaceable, gentle, and willing to yield. i feel that those traits are so far from my personality at times, but i know i do have them in me because of the precious sacrifice of Christ.
Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."
Phil. 2:1-11
"So, if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, and participation in the Spirit, and affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing (yes, it says NOTHING) from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above EVERY name, so that at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father!!!"
i love, LOVE this passage, and here is why: the beginning of the passage talks about how we are to treat others. i underlined verse 4 because that is the focus of today's dare. BUT, the passage doesn't end there. it goes on to state, HOW and WHY we are to accomplish this selflessness. Paul says, "Look at what Christ has done for us!" i also love when verse 5 says, "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus." i am no theologian, but i believe Paul is saying if you have Christ in your heart, this ability to put others first is something you already own. because of Christ, we have the ability to put our spouses needs and wants before our own. whenever we start to do it on our own though, we will fail.
some issues are just not worth it. i remember my parents telling me that was something they had to learn and wanted me to understand. i haven't forgotten that. i may have the spirit of a fighter/debater in me, but that doesn't give me the right to always win, or to continue arguments that are unimportant.
"All it takes for your present arguments to continue is for both of you to stay entrenched and unbending. But the very moment one of you says, 'I'm willing to go your way on this one.' the argument will be over. And though the follow-through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage" (57, Love Dare).
James 3:17 says, "The wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield."
May GOD help us to become women who are peaceable, gentle, and willing to yield. i feel that those traits are so far from my personality at times, but i know i do have them in me because of the precious sacrifice of Christ.
Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Dare #11 - Love cherishes
is there anything in your life that you cherish? do you really think you know what the word cherish even means? these are questions i ask myself as well. what does it mean to really cherish something? i have a dried rose petal in a small box that i keep in a drawer in the house. it is a rose petal from my grandfather's funeral at Arlington National Cemetery in 1996. that rose petal has made the move from IL to SC, then made another move last year when we moved to a different house. some things were broken in the multiple moves, some lost - but my rose petal is still in tact. i cherish that rose petal as if it were a part of me. that's exactly what Paul says in Ephesians 5:28 "Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies." i know that the verse is directed to husbands, but i think we can learn something from it too.
when we cherish something, we treat it as if it were a part of us! Paul also states ". . . for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it." i'm pretty good at cherishing myself unfortunately, but do i cherish my husband the same why i cherish myself? the Bible says, that when we get married, we become one flesh. i personally don't think we take that seriously. how often do we think, "maybe i shouldn't treat him that way since in reality, we are one flesh." and oh man, our current culture would really disagree with this. it's all about independence these days.
the book states, "When you show love to your spouse, you are showing love to yourself as well. . . When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself. Think about it. Your lives are now interwoven together. Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you are attacking your mate, it is like attacking your own body" (pg. 52).
determine to learn more about this word "cherish." determine to treat your spouse as if you were one flesh (which you are!). trust me, i know it won't be easy. but, we can do it with the Cross as our center!
"When you look at your mate, you're looking at a part of you. So treat her well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life" (53, Love Dare).
Dare: "What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile."
when we cherish something, we treat it as if it were a part of us! Paul also states ". . . for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it." i'm pretty good at cherishing myself unfortunately, but do i cherish my husband the same why i cherish myself? the Bible says, that when we get married, we become one flesh. i personally don't think we take that seriously. how often do we think, "maybe i shouldn't treat him that way since in reality, we are one flesh." and oh man, our current culture would really disagree with this. it's all about independence these days.
the book states, "When you show love to your spouse, you are showing love to yourself as well. . . When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself. Think about it. Your lives are now interwoven together. Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you are attacking your mate, it is like attacking your own body" (pg. 52).
determine to learn more about this word "cherish." determine to treat your spouse as if you were one flesh (which you are!). trust me, i know it won't be easy. but, we can do it with the Cross as our center!
"When you look at your mate, you're looking at a part of you. So treat her well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life" (53, Love Dare).
Dare: "What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile."
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Dare #10 - Love is unconditional
"God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8. this is the foundation for us to build on in our quest to loving unconditionally. personally, i don't think i am capable of unconditional love without Jesus and the cross as my example. i think once we ever start to take our eyes off the cross, we start to shift them onto ourselves. the Gospel should be infused into the air we breathe, the songs we sing, the tasks we take on, and so on and so forth! we can go about these dares, and we can do them diligently. but, i don't think it means what it's supposed to mean without the Cross in the center. i follow Pastor Tullian, a pastor in Fort Lauderdale, FL on twitter, and he talks a lot about this. he states, "'Doing' will become instinctive and spontaneous only when our hearts become deeply gripped by what's been done!"
because Christ loves us so much that He would die for our sins, we must love others. "We love, because He first loved us." I John 4:19
i am so grateful that God doesn't force me to prove my love to Him. oh how i would fail miserably. in the same exact sense, we should never expect our spouse or loved ones to prove their love to us. yet, so often, that's exactly where the basis of our love lies. right now, it doesn't matter what your spouse has done to you. we've all been wronged, and yes i know some have been wronged at a greater degree than others, but we have to focus on loving, despite how we are treated. this is a hard one for me. i very much want to feel loved. i want my spouse to show me his love. but, my love cannot be based on how he treats me, whether it is good or bad. and who knows, maybe when we focus on ourselves, we will start to see more of what we want from our spouses, although that is not the ultimate goal. when you get tempted to base your love off what your spouse is or isn't doing for you, think of how we treat Christ after all He has done for us. sometimes we all need a little perspective.
remember, we cannot attain unconditional love by just "doing" it. the book states, "You will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you. Love that 'bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things' does not come from within. It can only come from God" (page 48).
Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse--something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage."
because Christ loves us so much that He would die for our sins, we must love others. "We love, because He first loved us." I John 4:19
i am so grateful that God doesn't force me to prove my love to Him. oh how i would fail miserably. in the same exact sense, we should never expect our spouse or loved ones to prove their love to us. yet, so often, that's exactly where the basis of our love lies. right now, it doesn't matter what your spouse has done to you. we've all been wronged, and yes i know some have been wronged at a greater degree than others, but we have to focus on loving, despite how we are treated. this is a hard one for me. i very much want to feel loved. i want my spouse to show me his love. but, my love cannot be based on how he treats me, whether it is good or bad. and who knows, maybe when we focus on ourselves, we will start to see more of what we want from our spouses, although that is not the ultimate goal. when you get tempted to base your love off what your spouse is or isn't doing for you, think of how we treat Christ after all He has done for us. sometimes we all need a little perspective.
remember, we cannot attain unconditional love by just "doing" it. the book states, "You will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you. Love that 'bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things' does not come from within. It can only come from God" (page 48).
Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse--something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage."
Dare #9 - Love makes good impressions
first of all, i wanted to say that i have had a few people tell me they are trying some of the dares! excellent. i hope it is going well for you and that you are learning more about yourself and, of course, more about true, unconditional love (which will be discussed in dare #10). i know i am enjoying these dares immensely! i'm learning so very much about my own selfishness. it's still a daily battle, but i know that's what Jesus died for; my daily sinfulness. wow, that is so amazing. it is the picture of true selflessness.
this dare focuses on how we greet our spouses when they come home (or we come home). i know there have been times in my marriage that i have expected my husband to come sweeping in the doorway, proclaiming how much he has missed me. and when my fantasy doesn't come close to the truth, i can get a little perturbed. then, the poor guy who has just had a long day at work is wondering why on earth his wife is giving him the cold shoulder, when he hasn't even said or done anything to deserve it. this is the perfect recipe for a disastrous night!
instead of expecting my husband to greet me a certain way when he gets home, i am going to determine to make an effort to greet him with a smile. the book talks about how a greeting can really impact a person. "The Love Dare" states, "When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. Like love, it puts wind in your sails" (page 42).
if you are struggling with petty fighting during your precious nights at home with your spouse, try changing your greeting. who knows, it may be just what you both need!
Dare: "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."
"For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love." Philemon 7
this dare focuses on how we greet our spouses when they come home (or we come home). i know there have been times in my marriage that i have expected my husband to come sweeping in the doorway, proclaiming how much he has missed me. and when my fantasy doesn't come close to the truth, i can get a little perturbed. then, the poor guy who has just had a long day at work is wondering why on earth his wife is giving him the cold shoulder, when he hasn't even said or done anything to deserve it. this is the perfect recipe for a disastrous night!
instead of expecting my husband to greet me a certain way when he gets home, i am going to determine to make an effort to greet him with a smile. the book talks about how a greeting can really impact a person. "The Love Dare" states, "When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued. That's because a good greeting sets the stage for positive and healthy interaction. Like love, it puts wind in your sails" (page 42).
if you are struggling with petty fighting during your precious nights at home with your spouse, try changing your greeting. who knows, it may be just what you both need!
Dare: "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."
"For I have come to have much joy and comfort in your love." Philemon 7
Friday, July 1, 2011
5 Years
i just wanted to praise God for the most wonderful 5 years of my life. 5 years ago at this time (4:50), i had just said "i do." i have learned more about myself then i have ever wanted to learn, but it has been all for my good. God has been beyond gracious in giving us each other, and for bringing us through trials. i thank Him for every second that i have been through trials because it has only drawn nathan and i closer together. it has all been part of my conformity in Christ. God has nathan and i together for a very specific purpose, to glorify and honor Him together, and to make us more like Him.
thank you, Jesus for the gift of marriage! thank you for teaching us through each other more about Yourself. i stand amazed and undeserving.
"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies- in order that in everything God may be glorified through Christ Jesus. To Him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."
I Peter 4:8-11
thank you, Jesus for the gift of marriage! thank you for teaching us through each other more about Yourself. i stand amazed and undeserving.
"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies- in order that in everything God may be glorified through Christ Jesus. To Him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."
I Peter 4:8-11
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