Dare #8 - Love is not jealous

so, i am really starting to enjoy these dares. in fact, i look forward to learning something else about love with each new dare! i have to admit, i have already done today's dare, and it was so easy! i am so proud of all that my husband accomplishes, and it is easy to enjoy his successes! i know that that is because of God working in our marriage and growing us in His grace and love.

i don't have much to say about today's dare; i have just a few thoughts. the book talks about 2 different types of jealousy. there is a righteous jealousy and then there is envy. Deuteronomy 4:24 states, "the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God." He does not envy us (obviously there is NOTHING for him to envy about us!), but He desires our attention and our focus; our love and our commitment. James talks about envy leading to "fighting, quarreling, and every evil thing" (James 3:16, 4:1-2). guard your heart from the envious kind of jealousy. whether it is a friend, co-worker, or especially your spouse, keep your heart from envy which can lead to bitterness and not being content. let's be our spouse's number one supporter today!

"It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your mate's successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love" (Love Dare, 38).

now i'd like to shift focus for a moment on something that God has been teaching me. we are doing a study at my church (don't know if i mentioned this already) entitled "How People Change." it is an excellent study on the work of sanctification in our lives. every moment, we are becoming more and more like Christ. something the book emphasizes is community; having a circle of people you can lean on and count on to help you through life's trials. now, i have people in my life that i can pour out my heart to and know that they will listen and also be honest with me. i have my husband, my family, and a small circle of the bestest friends ever! but, i am also starting to open up my eyes to other hurting hearts. i want to be aware of those around me who need help. we need to be open with each other, girls! i just had a great talk with a friend the other day about things we were both struggling with in our marriages, and we were able to lift each other up and also know how to pray for each other. God uses people to make us more like Him! how amazing is that! He has given us a community of believers to strengthen us and us to them. . . when we neglect to take advantage of this community, we are missing out on SO much. trust me - i know. now that i have started to open up to people, they are open with me, and the blessings are abundant! so, OPEN UP! you don't have to suffer silently. we are ALL going through problems, and most likely all of your friend's marriages are struggling in some way. we don't have to pretend we have it all together. we don't.


the book, "How People Change" says, "Change is something God intends his people to experience together. It's a corporate goal. What God does in individuals is part of a larger story of redemption that involves all of God's people through the ages. You, Joe, and every other believer are already part of the story and part of the family. That is the context in which personal change takes place. Change within community is counter intuitive to the way we often think, but Scripture clearly presents it as God's way of making us more like Christ" (page 66).


so, take advantage of your church family. be there whenever you can to get to know your fellow brothers and sisters. you can't get to know them if you are only with them on Sunday mornings for a few hours! share your heart today with someone. love one another, and bear each other's burdens, so that we can help each other become more like Him!


Oh, and today's dare :)


"Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and reject and thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."


P.S. If you feel that anyone could benefit from this blog, please feel free to share it! 

Dare #7 - Love believes the best

guess what? we are not perfect. at least we say we believe that we aren't perfect. but, we sure do find it easy to find everyone else's imperfections. and you guessed it - the easiest person to tear apart can be our own spouses. when we make a mistake we say, "well, i'm not perfect! i'm never going to be!" when our spouse makes a mistake, it's more like, "why are you so insensitive? will you ever think about anyone besides yourself?" attack, attack, attack. well, you are right about one thing. your spouse isn't perfect, and he does have a lot of things he needs to work on, but so do we. YET, i know that there were a lot more good qualities about my husband that attracted me to him than bad ones. we forget so easily about those positive things sometimes, don't we?

"The Love Dare" states that there are two rooms in our hearts. the depreciation room and the appreciation room. in which room do we dwell? in the depreciation room, we absolutely tear our husbands to shreds. we sit in that room and camp out for hours. the book states, "Spending time in the depreciation room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed. The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by." This makes me so grateful that in our Savior's heart, there is no depreciation room. that just blows my mind. all of our imperfections have been covered by His blood! remind yourself of this incredible thought before you enter into the depreciation room in your heart.

Now, i understand that in some marriages, your spouse may very well have earned a trip into the depreciation room. a quote from "The Love Dare" discusses that:

"Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. As much as possible, love focuses on the positive."

This week, let's decide to camp out in the appreciation room. after all, that's how Christ thinks about at us!

"For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."

Dare #6 - Love is not irritable

"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city." Proverbs 16:32

so, i just have a few thoughts on this subject, and then i thought i would write an update on how the dares are going. if any of you are doing any of them, i would love to hear how God is using them in your lives!

it is SO easy to get irritated when things don't go our way. the "Love Dare" states, "To be irritable means 'to be near the point of a knife.'" that's just a second away from being stabbed with a knife! i think one of my issues with irritability is that i can be overly sensitive at times. i attack my husband for something he says when he didn't mean it the way i took it. sometimes, it's better to just ignore the little things (which can be extremely hard sometimes - i know). i need to start asking myself, "is this worth getting irritated over?" most of the time, i have a feeling the answer will be NO. it is much easier to be calm and loving this summer than it was last semester. stress can play a major role in irritability. do whatever you can to lessen the stress in your life. the book states, "Life is a marathon, not a sprint." we need to be balanced and organized, and do the best we can to lessen the stresses of life. after all, this life is only but a dot in the line of eternity. a motto at my church is "Live for the line, not for the dot." another cause of irritability is just plain selfishness, which as i have come to realize is a daily, daily battle. Matthew 12:34 says, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." what are we filling our hearts with?

it really always goes back to love. i mean the kind of love we are learning about. 1 corinthians 13 kind of love. "Love will lead you to forgive instead of holding a grudge. To be grateful instead of greedy. To be content rather than rushing into more debt. . . In each decision, love ultimately lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build up inside" (Love Dare). And that venom can really build up, can't it? we can let something that irritates fester until it becomes a sore upon our hearts, and it pusses and bleeds whenever our mouths open. that's ugly, irritability.

something i have started to think about when i am irritated when my husband doesn't do something around the house that i want him to do: i think of picking up after him or cleaning for him as an act of service for him. if i'm irritated that he is walking around with shoes on in the house, i think "at least he is here to walk around with shoes on in the house. what would i do without the man who steps into those messy shoes?" :) when someone you love is almost taken away from you, it really changes the way you serve them.

Update: the dares are going well. i have fulfilled them all so far, slowly but surely. one thing however that i am working on (transparency moment) is to not idolize my husband or our marriage. ultimately, my satisfaction MUST come from Christ. the more i expect from my husband, the more he will actually let me down. if i am holding him to extreme standards, i am not viewing my marriage realistically. just in the last few days, i have started to work on this and there has already been drastic improvement in our relationship. i don't have to let EVERYTHING matter so much. we don't have to have the perfect relationship. we just need Christ. I just need Christ. He should be the one to fill any emptiness i may feel or experience. thanks be to God that we don't have to do it alone, huh? thanks be to God that He sent His Son to die for my sins. may we all take our sin seriously and continuously seek to rid our lives of its ugliness.

some lyrics to a song we sang at church on Sunday really gripped me:

"Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You!"


-All I Have Is Christ - Sovereign Grace


Let our boast be in Christ today and not in our relationships! 

DARE: "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

Dare #5 - Love is not rude

well, slowly but surely, i am chugging through these dares. i am hoping to start doing at least 2+ dares a week. so far, i have definitely been learning a lot about myself. i am learning that i never truly understood what it really meant to love, cherish and obey my husband. i thought i knew when we first got married. i thought i had it all under control, of course! then slowly, i started to think more about what my husband could do for me rather than what i could do for him and the slow, downward fade of increasing selfishness began in our marriage. however, if i didn't see myself for that selfish sinner that i am, i wouldn't have turned to Christ to help me learn how to truly love. my encouragement for you today is to really examine yourself. i have found that just when we start thinking we really do have it all together is when we start to neglect noticing the unconfessed sin in our lives. have the attitude of wanting to always improve. learning how to truly love your spouse, family, friends, enemies, etc. is a lifelong journey. we will never arrive - no. but through the Cross alone, growth can occur in each of our own personal journeys of sanctification!

this chapter started with Proverbs 27:14 "He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him." this made me smile, but even though i found amusement from it, i also realized how true it is! even from the moment i wake up, i need to be thoughtful instead of rude. The Love Dare states, "If she [a wife] desires to love him [a husband], she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort." again, we may be tempted to think, "i am not rude. i don't do rude things." but, this should be another moment of self-inspection. the book also states, "you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with." ouch. so maybe i'm the unpleasant one at times? most definitely. 

here are a few test questions from the book:

1. "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?"

2. "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth and self-esteem?" (I also want to add respect in this list. Does your husband sense that you respect him, especially in front of others? This is really crucial for men. . .)

3. "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarrassing?"

now the book gives some guiding principles:

1.  "Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated."

2. "Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers."

3. "Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do. If in doubt, then ask."

so, if your husband has asked you a thousand times to do something, no matter how insignificant it may be, no matter how stupid of a deal he may make of it, do it. and do it because love is at its root selfless. 

Dare 5:

"Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 25:24